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The Fate of Fear is not the Fate You Want

April 2015


I have watched many unhealthy relationship decisions be made out of fear. The fear of being alone has kept people in hurtful relationships for 'way too long; the fear of getting too close has kept people alone and behind walls; the fear of conflict has silenced people's voices when speaking was tantamount; the fear of being wrong or hurting someone's feelings has resulted in people ignoring their intuition...intuition that could have saved their life; the fear of success/failure has sabotaged many a person's future.

Fear is a part of life and most people, if not all, feel fear. The difference between those who succeed in their relationships (and life) and those who don't, is those who succeed don't allow their fear to stop them; they feel the fear and do it anyway. They know fear is a normal, healthy part of life and they respect it an don't allow it to determine their fate. Those who do not succeed, allow fear to paralyze them. They feel the fear and get stuck in it, refusing to make a move. Then they find themselves in unhealthy relationships they are miserable in, yet too scared to change.

Allowing fear to determine your decisions will almost always result in the wrong choice. Don't let fear decide your fate; the fate of fear is not the fate you want.

Challenge: Look at what role fear plays in all your relationships. If you silence yourself, feel the fear and speak up anyway. If you are staying in a relationship out of fear alone—it is not enough—change the relationship, or get help. Feel the fear and do it anyway—your future depends on it.

By Lisa Merlo-Booth, my mentor


Wendy Allen, Ph.D, MFT is an expert in couples and marriage therapy. She has been practicing in Santa Barbara for almost 30 years. She is the only Marriage therapist in the tri-counties using the Real Relational Living model, from which all of these ideas are based upon.